When unreasonable requests are followed up with "but you could have just said no!" Exploring the clashes of ask culture and guess culture, at home and at work.
Wow, this is me! I'm 53 years old and I didn't know I was this person... a guess person. Being an Asian American, this makes so much sense right now-- it feels life-changing! I've always had hard time making requests especially at work (like for time-off/vacation/pto/raise). But the biggest difficulty for me was saying No to requests. I didn't want to, nor did I have the capacity to, but when a local organization asked me to volunteer for a year, I couldn't say no, out of not wanting to let them down, and out of social obligation.
According to Erin Meyer in her book The Culture Map, one of the variables used to compare culture around the world is called high context vs low context. It's based on how much shared context you can assume when dealing with another person.
In a highly homogenous culture, people are similar, have a shared history, shared norms, and this establishes a shared context. Here you are expected to guess what others want. It's similar to how a married couple behaves after many years together.
In places like the US, where people have very different background, you kind of have to assume low context. then it's better to assume you ask if you want something. As an aside, when working online it's generally better to assume low shared context.
So it seems like your distinction of ask/guess is a better articulation of roughly the same thing.
I loved this post. It was thoughtful, and so on point.
I haven’t gotten to the follow up post, but I want flip the script a bit (as someone who works at the US office of an international non profit). This article posits getting guess culture folks more comfortable with asking, and I want to know: What could or should it look like to have a blended culture? How can those who are “ask culture types” make the workplace more comfortable for guess culture folks?
For those wanting to get better at hearing no, I heard of a guy that invented a rejection game to play with himself. To desensitize himself to the fear of rejection (hearing "no"), he started asking people for things they would definitely say no to in low stakes scenarios. For example, asking a stranger to borrow their car or if they want a bite of his sandwich he already took a bite out of. Ask the person at the deli counter if you can slice your own meat, go to the register to buy a pair of shoes and ask the cashier if they can be free today. There are decks of cards with suggestions if you want to look into it but I think relying on your own creativity is free and easy enough ;)
This explains why I've always felt so at odds with the cultural context I was mostly in in Asia. As an autistic person, I have no way of participating in guess culture; I prefer to ask directly for things, and express discomfort when I don't want something. Back in Singapore, I always felt like a weirdo for being so direct.
There is probably a corollary here around ‘default yes’ vs ‘actual yes’ culture as well. Eg in Asian culture you are expected to agree to pretty much anything asked even unreasonable requests but in Western cultures you aren’t expected to put your own comfort too low. I’m trying to train myself out of the default yes culture and also to not have my daughter subscribe to it. So many layers
Super interesting. Born in Africa (very ask culture) and raised Swedish (very guess culture) I totally get this. I find it interesting how this plays out in different environments and in different headspaces. I tend to ask when I’m feeling confident and assertive and tend to guess when my vibration is low and the people pleaser takes over
Hej! I live in Sweden too! 😃 Thankfully, Michigan is guess culture too so I’ve been able to navigate socially without too much trouble. Unless I’m in a crowd of immigrants and Swedes together! 😂
My spouse and I have spent 10 years navigating this distinction. She is from the Philippines, and although she has tuned herself to ask culture, the extended family is in hardcore guess mode.
I am much more from the ask culture, but I have been very happy to learn about the nuance of guess culture. Even though it's not dominant in the US, there are some aspects of it I really like.
I would say the difference here is more one of insecurity. The "guess culture" is one of insecure people – afraid to refuse anyone else and afraid to be refused. I see many people with an almost pathological need to hide their desires, in a way it is closing yourself off from the world. In expressing your true feelings you create a degree of intimacy with the other person. Being truthful gives others a kind of power over you and many try their hardest to avoid such vulnerable states.
Saying "the 'guess culture' is one of insecure people" overlooks the fact that there are, in fact, many large and successful countries in which this is the default mode, and in which the behavior you're endorsing would be seen as rude and counter-productive. Being more of an ask culture person myself, I'll ask you to rethink your position.
As someone from one of these cultures, it sucks and it's the wrong way to do things. No one gets what they want and it makes everyone less happy than they would be otherwise because it's much harder than you think to guess what someone wants when they won't tell you. Everyone would be much happier if they were open and honest about this stuff.
Please reconsider the way you phrased this comment: the language is belittling. This is a valuable article in its own right. The Wikipedia link is useful, but "just a rehashing" for what is clearly a personal story and good advice is insulting the author.
Hello, I think that we met in Ft. Walton Beach. At the HSU Foundation and you gave a talk about the future of AI. I learned about ask vs guess culture near the end of an already failing marriage. I heard it called ask vs tell, but the idea is still the same. My ex and I were on the opposite sides of this and questions like "why didn't you ask me....or why didn't you tell me..." came up over and over again. For a long time I assumed it was due to different regional upbringing. She was from the Midwest and I grew up on island in the Keys...and maybe those cultural differences merely exacerbated the issues at hand. I also have ADHD and am likely on the autism spectrum...so, I miss social cues and don't get hints at all. I'm sure this didn't help either. Thank you for bringing this idea to the foreground so that we collectively can figure out ways to tactfully navigate sociocultural norms. Awareness of these differences in ourselves and others will allow us to be better partners, colleagues, and business people.
I’ve not been there, so it must have been someone else! Ask vs guess has definitely had its impact in my previous marriage as well as my current. Sharing about it has helped me think through those dynamics as well.
Thanks for writing about this! I hadn’t heard of it until Becca Syme mentioned it on a recent podcast episode. Google gave me your article first. 😃 Now I have words to explain all the upset people in my family and at work! 😅
Wow, this is me! I'm 53 years old and I didn't know I was this person... a guess person. Being an Asian American, this makes so much sense right now-- it feels life-changing! I've always had hard time making requests especially at work (like for time-off/vacation/pto/raise). But the biggest difficulty for me was saying No to requests. I didn't want to, nor did I have the capacity to, but when a local organization asked me to volunteer for a year, I couldn't say no, out of not wanting to let them down, and out of social obligation.
Yay glad this is clarifying! The original metafilter thread has a lot of insights as well you might find helpful
Ask vs guess is a great way to describe it.
According to Erin Meyer in her book The Culture Map, one of the variables used to compare culture around the world is called high context vs low context. It's based on how much shared context you can assume when dealing with another person.
In a highly homogenous culture, people are similar, have a shared history, shared norms, and this establishes a shared context. Here you are expected to guess what others want. It's similar to how a married couple behaves after many years together.
In places like the US, where people have very different background, you kind of have to assume low context. then it's better to assume you ask if you want something. As an aside, when working online it's generally better to assume low shared context.
So it seems like your distinction of ask/guess is a better articulation of roughly the same thing.
Ah, I have heard great things about The Culture Map! I’ll bump it up on my non-fiction to-read queue!
I loved this post. It was thoughtful, and so on point.
I haven’t gotten to the follow up post, but I want flip the script a bit (as someone who works at the US office of an international non profit). This article posits getting guess culture folks more comfortable with asking, and I want to know: What could or should it look like to have a blended culture? How can those who are “ask culture types” make the workplace more comfortable for guess culture folks?
For those wanting to get better at hearing no, I heard of a guy that invented a rejection game to play with himself. To desensitize himself to the fear of rejection (hearing "no"), he started asking people for things they would definitely say no to in low stakes scenarios. For example, asking a stranger to borrow their car or if they want a bite of his sandwich he already took a bite out of. Ask the person at the deli counter if you can slice your own meat, go to the register to buy a pair of shoes and ask the cashier if they can be free today. There are decks of cards with suggestions if you want to look into it but I think relying on your own creativity is free and easy enough ;)
This explains why I've always felt so at odds with the cultural context I was mostly in in Asia. As an autistic person, I have no way of participating in guess culture; I prefer to ask directly for things, and express discomfort when I don't want something. Back in Singapore, I always felt like a weirdo for being so direct.
There is probably a corollary here around ‘default yes’ vs ‘actual yes’ culture as well. Eg in Asian culture you are expected to agree to pretty much anything asked even unreasonable requests but in Western cultures you aren’t expected to put your own comfort too low. I’m trying to train myself out of the default yes culture and also to not have my daughter subscribe to it. So many layers
Super interesting. Born in Africa (very ask culture) and raised Swedish (very guess culture) I totally get this. I find it interesting how this plays out in different environments and in different headspaces. I tend to ask when I’m feeling confident and assertive and tend to guess when my vibration is low and the people pleaser takes over
Hej! I live in Sweden too! 😃 Thankfully, Michigan is guess culture too so I’ve been able to navigate socially without too much trouble. Unless I’m in a crowd of immigrants and Swedes together! 😂
Interesting insights. Thanks Jean.
This is a great framework. Love the distinction.
My spouse and I have spent 10 years navigating this distinction. She is from the Philippines, and although she has tuned herself to ask culture, the extended family is in hardcore guess mode.
I am much more from the ask culture, but I have been very happy to learn about the nuance of guess culture. Even though it's not dominant in the US, there are some aspects of it I really like.
I would say the difference here is more one of insecurity. The "guess culture" is one of insecure people – afraid to refuse anyone else and afraid to be refused. I see many people with an almost pathological need to hide their desires, in a way it is closing yourself off from the world. In expressing your true feelings you create a degree of intimacy with the other person. Being truthful gives others a kind of power over you and many try their hardest to avoid such vulnerable states.
Saying "the 'guess culture' is one of insecure people" overlooks the fact that there are, in fact, many large and successful countries in which this is the default mode, and in which the behavior you're endorsing would be seen as rude and counter-productive. Being more of an ask culture person myself, I'll ask you to rethink your position.
As someone from one of these cultures, it sucks and it's the wrong way to do things. No one gets what they want and it makes everyone less happy than they would be otherwise because it's much harder than you think to guess what someone wants when they won't tell you. Everyone would be much happier if they were open and honest about this stuff.
This is just a rehashing of https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/High-context_and_low-context_cultures, right?
Please reconsider the way you phrased this comment: the language is belittling. This is a valuable article in its own right. The Wikipedia link is useful, but "just a rehashing" for what is clearly a personal story and good advice is insulting the author.
Hello, I think that we met in Ft. Walton Beach. At the HSU Foundation and you gave a talk about the future of AI. I learned about ask vs guess culture near the end of an already failing marriage. I heard it called ask vs tell, but the idea is still the same. My ex and I were on the opposite sides of this and questions like "why didn't you ask me....or why didn't you tell me..." came up over and over again. For a long time I assumed it was due to different regional upbringing. She was from the Midwest and I grew up on island in the Keys...and maybe those cultural differences merely exacerbated the issues at hand. I also have ADHD and am likely on the autism spectrum...so, I miss social cues and don't get hints at all. I'm sure this didn't help either. Thank you for bringing this idea to the foreground so that we collectively can figure out ways to tactfully navigate sociocultural norms. Awareness of these differences in ourselves and others will allow us to be better partners, colleagues, and business people.
I’ve not been there, so it must have been someone else! Ask vs guess has definitely had its impact in my previous marriage as well as my current. Sharing about it has helped me think through those dynamics as well.
Thanks for writing about this! I hadn’t heard of it until Becca Syme mentioned it on a recent podcast episode. Google gave me your article first. 😃 Now I have words to explain all the upset people in my family and at work! 😅
This article is absolutely fantastic! Thank you!