What is your fantasy for rest?
thoughts on inner monologues, sneaky inner critics, and the nuances of practicality
When I went through coach training, there was a section on inner critics or saboteurs — the voice within that is afraid of change, that tells us to stick with the status quo. As my classmates voiced their inner critics, there were a lot of common patterns to how inner critics showed up. Here are just a few I observed:
not good enough: “You don’t have enough experience to charge more”
people-pleasing: “If you don’t do this, people won’t like you”
perfectionist: “It’s not good enough yet to put out there”
You can read more about saboteurs here.
Everyone seemed to have really robust and straight-forward inner critics (or saboteurs), with clear objections.
I wondered, what are my saboteurs? I couldn’t really relate to these common patterns of inner critics, and the things that their inner critics said to them didn’t resonate with me.
Since then, I’ve discovered two things.
Other people have inner monologues
Honestly, when people would say things like “My inner critic says, ‘You’re not good enough yet to charge for coaching. What will people think?’”, I thought this was an interpretation of a feeling they had. Little did I know that people actually have robust and internally audible voices in their heads!
If you recall, about two years ago, all of Twitter (and maybe the internet) was shocked. For the portion of people with an inner monologue, they were shocked to discover that many people have no inner monologue — instead, they have abstract thoughts. Others (like myself) with only abstract thoughts were shocked to find out that others have a little voice inside their heads constantly narrating and questioning thoughts. You can check out the original tweet and another post that explored the topic.
When I reunited with many of my coach training classmates over dinner, I polled them, and sure enough, all of them have robust inner monologues, while I do not. How fun to have a little friend constantly chatting to you, I thought, but I was reassured that the voice is not always a kind one.
My saboteur is very sneaky
Despite having no inner monologue, I have started to be more aware of my internal world and what holds me back from things that I want more of in my life.
Last time I wrote about giving myself permission to be unproductive, and this is definitely one place where my saboteur shows up. I’ve always considered my ability to get shit done in a very practical way to be a great strength, and it has definitely been a particularly useful trait as an engineer and engineering leader.
But where my inner critic shows up is when I want to try something new — say a new hobby, or something new at work. Though I have no inner monologue, the feelings my inner critic brings up are those of: is that really a good use of your time? Where is that going to go? What about this other activity that would be more practical? Will the people you meet doing this hobby be the type of people you want to be close friends with? If it’s a hobby that produces a lot of physical stuff, where are you going to put it? It’s just going to be a lot of clutter in your space.
In some situations, like at work when I do really need to make the best use of my time, this part of me is valuable in being discerning in how I can make the greatest impact. But it does stop me from doing things I might enjoy, even if it’s not the most impactful work.
In my personal life, my innate pull to be productive and practical hold me back from trying hobbies I might enjoy but that I don’t think I’ll be very good at. Or hobbies that have no practical outcome. Or just taking time to go for a walk by myself or playing a game with my kids.
This week, my therapist asked me, “What is your fantasy for rest?” and I was left speechless. It probably looks something like making space to notice when I feel drawn to some aimless activity, and making space to follow that impulse.
Things I’ve been enjoying
Walking 1:1s (over the phone) - The perfect antidote for Zoom fatigue and inactivity.
Returning to written morning pages - After switching to digital morning pages (my desire for practicality led me to want to try digital pages for readability and search-ability) in February, my practice quickly fell apart. I switched back to hand-written pages that are meant to be disposable and not to serve any other purpose than the enjoyment or writing and getting all my thoughts down on paper.
Corned beef - I made corned beef in the instant pot for the first time, and it was very rewarding. Like a rotisserie chicken, it lasted multiple meals. First with potatoes and carrots, then corned beef hash with eggs the next day, and then slivered in a salad for lunch.
Dog birthday treat crawl - We joined my cousin’s dog Hattie for her birthday treat crawl around Berkeley, stopping by multiple coffee shops and Ace Hardware for dog treats. The kids made signs and told everyone it was her birthday.
A few questions for you:
Do you have an inner monologue?
In what ways do your inner critics show up?
What is your fantasy for rest? (Maybe I can borrow some ideas from yours!)