This world was not built for working parents
and trying to find our way anyways in this season of life
Lately, I’ve been feeling grateful for the last few years of working at companies that prioritize wellness and family priorities. Before I joined Range in 2020, the first summer of COVID, I didn’t want to work at another tech company. I didn’t miss the long commute into SF five days a week, the rushed drop-offs and pick-ups, the harried evening dinner scramble, and bedtime. When my kids were little, I started to truly understand the meaning of the phrase, “I need a drink,” every night at 7:30pm when two kids were finally asleep in their room.
But as I started to explore a return to a more typical day job in the summer of 2020, I realized a lot of the assumptions I had made no longer were true, especially in a pandemic world. Remote work had arrived, the co-founders were supportive of the flexibility I needed to be available for distance learning with the kids, and eventually, school drop-offs and pick-ups. Afternoons and evenings had a bit more breathing room without a daily Berkeley → SF commute (not even considered a horrible commute).
Late last year, the team at Range was hired into a different company Productable, and I’ve been pleased that the culture of high-trust remote work, employee wellness, and work-life flexibility has remained strong.
As I hear of more and more companies pressure employees to return to office, I feel so thankful for this little life I’ve built. A remote life, a flexible life, one where I can pick my kids up at a reasonable time, where I can get enough sleep every night, and sometimes run out to grab some groceries and beat the 5pm Trader Joe’s rush. Where Naveed and I have divvied up household responsibilities in a way that gives us both some breathing room. Where I have space to enjoy cooking, because it’s not a never-ending chore that I’m solely responsible for day-in and day-out. Where friends can visit and stay with us and also work remotely for a few days.
And I’m also ever so aware that there are so many ways that this world — this tech world, capitalism, parenting in the United States — was very much not built for us. And though we’ve found some ways to make it work for us, that there were many many years where I felt like I was drowning, and there are still times where I’m reminded of how precarious our balance really is.
Awhile ago, I read a tweet that I think about often. It said something like,
“Today’s productivity standards of a 40-hour-workweek were intended for men who had stay-at-home wives at home taking care of childcare and everything else.”
It’s a welcome reminder that if you (you individually or a collective partnered you) are struggling to stay on top of everything — work, kids, laundry, food, exercise, self-care — that makes sense. It’s honestly a miracle if you aren’t.
Almost nothing in our society is designed with a single working parent or two working parents commuting to work and back in mind. Here are just a few off the top of my head:
2:30pm school pickup time, with an annual waitlist signup process for on-site after-school care, for which if you happen to miss the email, you are fucked
classroom events announced the day before, for which if you do not attend, your child will be alone and sad with no one to read their personal narrative to
10-week summer breaks with every family cobbling together a mosaic of $300-600/week summer camp
the absolute pathetic state of U.S. parental leave combined with the outrageous childcare costs
the continued unequal load women take on of unpaid household work and mental overhead, even when both parents have similar paid work — that leads to burnout and resentment
And perhaps the hardest things are those that feel so personal that it can be hard to realize that they are deeply systemic and engrained in so many of us.
a productivity mindset so deeply hammered into us that when parents have a moment to rest, all they can think about is how they’re not making progress on their creative endeavors.
a generation of women who have learned that they could really have it all, if they just lean in and keep fighting for what they want — with little acknowledgement of the thick layer of sexism, pay inequity, and biases that they will encounter at every turn.
a societal obsession with growth, ambition, and achievement that commonly makes it feel like if you have a 9-5 (or less) job, that you’re a lazy person who doesn’t want to excel and make an impact.
It’s no wonder that so many parents are struggling to keep their head above water, while simultaneously feeling deep guilt and inadequacy that they’re not doing their best at time management, spending their time optimally, feeding their kids the most nutritious homemade meals, and growing rapidly in their careers.
Something has to give, whether that’s easing up on household expectations (a home with two working parents will not look the same as one with someone caring for it full-time), career growth, and/or the need to feel constantly productive even in how you spend your leisure time.
Last week, I had some space to relax and be with my family over the Thanksgiving break (which also happens to include my birthday, my 8 year-old’s birthday, and our wedding anniversary).
We had a lovely week at the Oakland Zoo Glowfari, bowling together for the first time at Jack London Square, having 8 year-old birthday breakfast and video games, watching the Michigan vs. OSU game, and going on a treat crawl Naveed organized for my birthday in Berkeley (featuring friends and stops for boba, shrimp rice noodle rolls, udon and tempura, gelato, and the best key lime cupcakes that made me rethink cupcakes altogether).
Not to mention sharing good food with friends and family, spending time with a one-month-old newborn niece, a Klask tournament, and a lot of spacious time to work on my most recent 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle.
The change of routines and holidays that mark the end of the year make it a common time for people to start reflecting on the past year and what’s ahead of them, often bringing up questions around career transitions or next moves.
For me, this time of year has clarified my priorities. I’m reminded that there will be many seasons in my life, and in this season, flexibility is a non-negotiable for my work, as is time with family, time for myself, and time to write. There will be weeks when I have to make small sacrifices here or there, but this is what’s important to me now.
This season’s priorities doesn’t make me a lazy or unambitious person, nor does it mean that I have no career aspirations.
Will there be a time when I’ll want to work into the nights and weekends? I believe there will still be a season for that, or maybe several seasons in the coming years. I remember other times when that was the role work played in my life, and I think of them fondly, and I welcome them again in the future.
With clarity around my priorities, I have to accept that in this season, there may be appealing jobs and roles that I don’t go for, that aren’t in alignment with what my priorities are right now.
In this industry, avoiding comparison is so hard, even for the most self-aware, confident person. Will I look at other people’s LinkedIn profiles from time to time and wonder, what if I had really gone for it, what if I had taken this path instead of the one I’m on? Probably from time to time.
But if I live in alignment with my priorities in this season of life, I’ll always feel solid in the decisions I make and try my best to let go of my what if’s.
It’s clear to me that if I look back on this time in my life, I’ll never regret prioritizing flexibility to be with my kids and have time for myself, my family, and my friends.
What about you? As the year draws to a close, what’s becoming clearer to you? What are you prioritizing?
If you enjoyed this post, you might also be interested in this one, where I share more about owning your unique experience instead of holding on to all of your whats-ifs:
This is terrific, Jean. So much of this post resonated with me, recalling the years and years where we were juggling kid schedules and our work and commutes. We need so much collective reimagination and redesign here. Glad there are some companies that are building the high-trust, flexible environments.
I feel like Jean, thanks for sharing.
Especially feeling this after starting to build my brand to help software engineers level up (which takes more time every week).
Our always go-go peak productivity culture with back to back meetings is not geared for anyone but men with perfect health, high drive and a partner who takes care of the house - like you said.
I realize I’m part of that privilege… and yet as a parent, and as someone with chronic illness I even feel like a fish out of water many days.
For me it’s important to just run my own race. Pursue my dreams in work, with my brand, and with my family in my own time and way.
I may not get there as fast as some, but I’m giving it my damdest - and I’m trying to stay mentally healthy, kind, a good human, a good partner, father and friend while doing it.