This is 35
reflections on my birthday
Today is my 35th birthday. Every five to eleven years, my birthday is also on Thanksgiving (interesting analysis here).
I’m writing this in a beautiful Airbnb in Bear Valley, looking at the window at the snow-capped Sierras. I can hear howls outside as my kids play with their friend in their imaginary wolf pack.
We made all our Thanksgiving foods yesterday, so today we coast on delicious leftovers, board games, and British Bakeoff Holiday Edition.
The fives and tens birthdays seem like momentous milestones to reflect, and as I did so yesterday, I realized how much has happened.
Five years ago, I was starting to contemplate a change — I had been at Medium for almost five years, and I was just turning 30. Jackson had just turned one, and things finally felt like they were settling down a bit from the infancy phase. I had two very young kids, and was commuting everyday to work and back, burning myself out.
Since then, I’ve:
left Medium
started and quickly built up a successful practice coaching engineering leaders. Looking back, I am shocked that I made such a big career move with a one year-old
went through coach training with CTI and made a few very good friends there, especially divorced women who helped remove the societal stigma of divorce and helped me look at it directly as an option
separated from my ex-husband and finalized divorce
dived into the strange world of dating apps
dated many people (though only a few beyond 1st or 2nd dates), dipped my toe in the Bay Area polyamory scene, and made deep meaningful connections and friends
started Co Leadership as a leadership development company for engineers
met my partner Naveed
explored new experiences like blindfolded contact improv, secret Berkeley hot tub visits in some guy’s backyard, events and a festival (so many people)
traveled far more than I had over the previous 5 years, including Thailand, Tulum, and road trips up the California Coast and to Colorado.
started playing ultimate frisbee again at local pickup games
played in my first ultimate frisbee club tournament at Beach Nationals (straight to nationals!)
moved in with Naveed at the beginning of the pandemic and navigated the ongoing integration of our lives and running a household together and all the mundane chores involved
took care of my kids in a pandemic half-time with no in-person school or childcare
joined a pandemic childcare and schooling pod with another kid and his also divorced parents
started a new job at Range as VP of Engineering
started a podcast and published 30 episodes of Lead Time Chats
Looking back on the last five years, the themes of growth and exploration feel very alive. I suppose those are often themes of people in their early 20s, but in my 20s, I graduated college, started my first job, got married, worked at startups, and had two kids. I didn’t partake in the behaviors you can when you don’t have that many ongoing responsibilities.
These past few years, with a 50/50 custody schedule, running my own business, and my kids becoming more self-sufficient (or at least, not requiring 24/7 supervision to not harm themselves), I finally had space to not just survive, but to have some spaciousness to breathe, be still, and explore different interests.
In that space, the most meaningful changes for me were the deepening of my relationship with my kids (which may also just be their growing up and becoming more interesting humans), the process of disentangling from a marriage, and the choice to re-enter into a committed partnership (and all the work, healing, questions, and clarity necessary to want to do so).
What’s next?
In the past, when I’ve thought about goal-setting and making a 5 year plan, it always feels a little like what’s the point, because whenever I look back on the last 5 years, I never would have guessed that I would be where I am. But another way to look at it might be to make a plan, but not to feel obliged to follow it. The plan may clarify the things that are important to me, but the way I prioritize those things may change.
So what’s important to me for the next five years? As I settle deeper into my partnership with Naveed, I feel the space for me to do more inward exploration. If the last five years were about growth and more outward exploration, perhaps the next five will be around knowing and caring for myself more deeply. Here are a few themes and intentions that come to mind:
Writing - I want to carve out space for myself to write - I wasn’t particularly successful with this the past year, but it’s still something I want. Maybe the goal is not just carving out time, but thinking of space to write as pillars of my routine. I still struggle to know where to write what (work blog, medium, substack, personal journal), but to start, I’d like to just build those pillars, and see where things go from there. Longer-term, one of my dreams is to write a book, perhaps two books, one loosely a personal memoir, and the other around engineering leadership topics.
Interests - I want to take on some things I’ve never done before. I just signed up for my first half-marathon, and the idea of following a seemingly reasonable training plan and achieving something that feels outside what’s currently doable for me now feels like it’ll be really rewarding. Possibly following a structured course for drawing or other skill where I’d see visible progress is appealing to me as well.
Health - I’d like to be more intentional about regular exercise, the foods I consume, and continue to prioritize sleep. When I get enough sleep, everything else is easier. I haven’t cracked the regular exercise conundrum, but I’d like to take better care of my body, so that I have many more good years with it.
Growth - I’m all for personal growth, but I don’t feel a need to chase it or constantly work on myself. After a somewhat intense growth period around my divorce, I felt perfectly content to coast for a bit. But as I notice some patterns of behavior (or am lovingly called out by friends and loved ones) that don’t serve me anymore, I would like to take a look at those and work on healthier defaults so that I can show up more fully for myself, and as a better partner, parent, and friend. I’ve also recently started therapy with an Asian-American therapist, and I’d like to take a deeper look at where some of those unquestioned defaults come from.
Community and friendship - One of the silver linings of this pandemic has been a closer sense of community with neighbors, walking to school together, exchanging baked goods and homemade yogurt — or Joe-ghurt, as we received the first batch on Inauguration Day. Through our pandemic pod, and as my kids settle into elementary school friendships, I’m also becoming closer with a few of their friends’ parents. In the years to come, I hope to deepen that sense of community, and make new friendships and deepen existing ones as well.
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If you have any tips or advice, particularly around making space for growth and personal interests as a parent, making friends in your 30s, or any fun new interests you’ve enjoyed, I’d love to hear them!
Happy Thanksgiving to you — I hope you are enjoying good food and good company.