The unfairness of life with a baby
Breastfeeding realities, new baby life, mental load, and zero sum games.
Baby content can be sensitive for some people. It’s also important for me that I can write about all aspects of my life here in this space. When I include life-with-a-baby content, I’ll try to make sure it’s clear early on in the title or subtitle, so people can skip if they want.
“It’s not fair!”
…I’ve cried regularly over the past few months, whenever I feel overwhelmed by the mental and physical load of caring for and especially feeding a newborn.
The biological reality that my body produces milk and Naveed’s doesn’t means that every time I plan to do anything, there is a background task in my head considering when our baby ate, when she will want to eat again, if she will nurse or take a bottle, whether or not she’ll take a bottle at all (my ticket to some semblance of freedom), if I should pump, when and how much I should pump, how I will keep the milk cold, etc. whew!
So when I saw Naveed waltz out of the house to go to the gym again, without having to consider any of the above things, I started to feel resentful. And I really really didn’t want to feel resentful! And my rational self understands it doesn’t make sense to limit his actions by what I can do, which kind of feels like “if I have to be miserable, you should be too.”
Maybe I need a hobby that necessitates me getting out of the house everyday, I’ve thought to myself.
Rather than passive-aggressively manufacturing a hobby or gym habit I have no interest in, so that I could have an equal amount of time out of the house, I started to think about what it is I actually wanted.
It’s not equal
It sounds so simple to split up the calendar into equal times. But it’s not possible for it to be equal for at least a few more months, due to the realities of an exclusively breastfed baby. I’ve often wished that the “breast is best” message weren’t so strong — why not start with formula off the bat so that things can be equal, especially with those pesky nighttime feedings?
Now I realize that, breastfed baby or not, it’s never equal because different people have different needs. One person may care more about time to sleep in, or evening time to hang out with friends. Someone else may care more about being able to get away for a weekend, or time to go watch a movie in the theater.
Naveed wants to go to the gym, and also as an extrovert, has more social needs outside of the house. As an introvert, I’m happy to catch up with a few friends on phone calls or baby-friendly walks, but do want more time to myself to write. Finding creative ways to keep these needs top of mind is far more important and effective for our overall happiness than striving to make things exactly equal.
It’s not a zero sum game
But boy can it feel like it sometimes!
I am always so pleasantly surprised when things that feel zero sum turn out to not be.
Recently, Naveed went out for an evening event, which left me to handle bedtime alone for the first time. At first it felt very “good for Naveed, bad for Jean.” But quite fortuitously, a few days before the event, Baby K started going to bed around 8pm (previously 10-11pm), which meant I got 2 hours alone to eat my favorite snacks and watch exactly what I wanted that evening. I got some much needed solo time, and Naveed got some much needed social time. Somehow we were both getting our needs met at the same time, instead of by passing the baby around like a hot potato. But Naveed if you’re reading this, it was so much work, and you owe me big time! jk.
It reminds me of a small team I worked on where one engineer with on-call duties wanted to take advantage of the no-meeting Wednesdays to go snowboarding and then get work done later in the day. I was a little skeptical because our on-call rotation had dwindled down to two engineers, but I said if he could sort it out with the other engineer, I would be onboard. He offered to take more on-call time overall (including more nights and weekends) if he could not be on-call on Wednesdays during the day. The other engineer was very happy with this exchange.
Is this now the only post on the internet about both breastfeeding and engineering on-call pager duty? Maybe!
Figure out what you need
I’ve found that when my mind goes to “it’s not fair,” what I need really isn’t for it to be equal. I really don’t want to go to the gym or to take a class somewhere just to have an excuse to leave the house. But it is a sign that I’m not getting something I need.
What I do need is:
Acknowledgement that it is not equal and that I carry a heavier mental and physical load
Appreciation (adoration would be fantastic as well) for carrying said load
Effort and cooperation in helping me get my needs met
A few weeks ago, I was feeling a bit grumpy after Naveed went to the gym. I had spent the morning with Baby K and then was planning to meet up with two cousins at a coffee shop (with Baby K since she needed to eat around that time). I felt like I was being saddled with baby care all day. Naveed suggested coming with me and sitting separately at the coffee shop with the baby so that he could care for her and bring her over to me when she got hungry.
We enjoyed a nice walk together, and I was able to enjoy my social time without also having to care for the baby.
Naveed following me around with the baby while I did what I wanted was not a strategy I had really considered, but it was interesting to try it out!
The unequal reality of baby care is also more nuanced than “I do more work.” While I lamented that I was tied to the baby as her sole source of food, I realized that our setup also comes with some freedoms.
Although I’m much more physically tied to the baby, I can also take the baby out for half the day, and not worry at all about if I’ve brought enough milk (I am the milk, the milk is me!) or when I need to be back. It’s given me the space to take leisurely strolls all over Berkeley, stopping for chai, browsing library books, and eating a sandwich at a park.
The first few months can be a challenging time that is straining on relationships. But it can also be so sweet to care for each other. On Friday, Naveed said “Hey let’s make sure you have time to write this weekend.” So this morning, I suggested, “Did you want to go to the gym this morning?”
As of last week, Baby K is now very happily taking bottles of pumped milk, which is a huge relief. So today I packed up my laptop, along with my pump and an empty bottle. Now I’m writing this post from the lovely HackerMoms space in South Berkeley, which is dedicated to emotionally supporting moms in sustaining their creative lives.
Have a question? Contemplating a transition? Dealing with a dysfunctional work situation? Write in to the reader mailbag!
The struggle is real. My kid is now 4 but my wife and I still pass him back and forth like a hot potato sometimes and we both feel a guilty sense of not getting enough me time, or together time for that matter. We have an older child too and it does get easier as they grow more independent and want their own space. Sounds like you two are figuring it out. I think the key is staying friends through it all and knowing you're in it together. Good luck!