Space to do whatever, Part II

Insights from carving out space for creativity

In my last post, I shared my different stages of foundational needs before I could really have the space for creativity:

• Space to not be exhausted

• Space to do whatever

• Space for joy

• Space to create (finally!)

Layering these needs on each other like Maslow’s hierarchy is helpful for me, creating a compass when I need it. I hope that as life’s bumps include setbacks to these stages, with this hierarchy, I have some way to find my way back to my creative self.

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There have been times when I felt like, to make the space I wanted, I’d have to have a vastly different life — a life-changing tech exit, a full-time nanny, a sabbatical from full-time employment. But I’m learning that that is also my nature — when I am tired or overwhelmed (see stage 1), I tend to imagine that the effort to do something will be insurmountable.

From the outside, my life doesn’t look all that different than it was when I was in that very first stage of just trying to make it through the day.

I still have a full-time job as a VP of Engineering at a startup.

I still have two kids and a partner.

I still don’t have never-need-to-work-again tech money.

But my life feels very different lately — spacious and abundant in a way that felt impossible then.

When I reflect on the differences and lessons that helped me get to where I am now, here are some things of note:

Carving out space on my calendar

Explicit scheduling means you don’t have constantly have to take initiative to make space.

Years ago, my ex and I agreed to each have an evening to ourselves each week. Mine was Thursday, his was Tuesday. In the survival mode of working with small children, this evening was a lifeline, a reliable no-need-to-ask-for-permission weekly evening when you could schedule with friends, didn’t need a good excuse to just go to read in a coffee shop after work, didn’t need to check-in, and didn’t need to feel guilty for leaving bedtime for the other person.

The current joint custody schedule we have now also enforces an explicit schedule for when we need to be on as a parent, which creates a lot of space where we are explicitly not in parenting mode.

I genuinely believe that, while it may be challenging, good communication, shared values around the importance of creating unicorn space, and explicit scheduling can create space for partners who are not divorced.

Separating creative work from “shoulds”

There was a time in my life when I had more stamina to just push my way through things I felt like I should do. But these days, I have a lot less appetite for that.

I’ve tried making my writing more of a main focus by applying productivity techniques to it. I’ve tried creating a backlog of posts to write, having sticky notes of topics for this newsletter. But once writing starts to feel like a chore, I resist it.

For months now, I’ve wanted to play around more with chat-gpt. But when it felt like something I “should” do to stay current in what’s going on in tech, I found myself resisting and resenting it. I associated it with the industry’s expectation that you should be 110% all in, that you should pour everything you have into tech, constantly learning new skills and furthering yourself, and trying to change the world.

When I let go of that expectation and had some space to play with chat-gpt, I had a fun time having it brainstorm name ideas for me. Tech and Tea was one of the many ideas it suggested. Other notable recommendations: Savory Bytes, Steeped in Tech, and Jeanius Tech.

Kids aren’t little forever

When my kids were about 1 and 3, I remember feeling extremely overwhelmed by the idea that this would be my life for another 17 years. In the haze of sleep deprivation, I guess I forgot that kids grow up.

Mobile toddlers can’t be left alone unsupervised, since they have absolutely no survival instinct.

But they grow up and become interesting big kids with independent interests.

I still sometimes catch myself thinking I can’t do something when the kids are around, before realizing, oh wait, I can totally do that.

Scenes from our house now that would have been unthinkable a few years ago.

• Kids quietly reading in one of their rooms

• Kids playing happily in one of their rooms for an hour (until one comes complaining to me…)

• Kids and a friend happily occupied on a play date for a few hours, requiring zero adult attention.

• One kid noticing that I’m not feeling well and making me hot tea and a snack plate.

For those of you with younger kids than mine, hang tight, it gets better!

Understanding my chronotype

I used to have a lot of self-judgment that I had time in the evenings before bed, but that I didn’t do anything “productive.”

I’ve now accepted that nighttime is just not when I do creative stuff. Nighttime is for watching Netflix, reading, and baths. Or for going to bed early and getting a good night’s sleep. Morning is when I have the desire to create, and forcing myself to do otherwise is too painful.

I just looked up chronotypes, and there is some mapping to bears, dolphins, wolves, and lions, which sounds pretty cool. However, the extent to which I’ve explored this is just realizing mornings are more creative for me, and nighttime is not. Perhaps there is more to optimize and shape my daily routines around to make more creative space.

Learning how to motivate myself

For a long time I thought I wasn’t a habit-forming person. Unlike many Duolingo and GitHub streak-motivated peers, I could care less about maintaining an activity streak. Habit-forming apps did nothing for me. I thought I was just not a driven person.

I’ve been reading Gretchen Rubin’s Better Than Before, where she explores the different ways people make and resist forming habits. Now I realize that I tend to form habits when I help myself along with some gentle nudging and light external accountability. I resist the concept of striving and trying to hit goals, but sometimes short-term goals can help me kickstart or explore something new. Some things that have worked to provide gentle support for me so far:

• a monthly paper calendar taped to the kitchen door where I can check off if I did any journaling each day

• Short-term goals like writing morning pages everyday for a week

• Making space but being less attached to what I produce during that time

Trusting my inner desire to create

I’d been wanting to do something more with my newsletter for a few months now. But instead of making a plan and making myself execute on it, I decided to let the desire to create incubate for a little while.

I definitely had dramatic thoughts of, well what if I never want to create, and I die in 50 years, regretting that I never did the things I wanted.

I read about a Warren Buffet strategy of listing out 25 things you wanted to do in your lifetime, and choosing the top 5. Then, he says to completely avoid the other 20, because those will be the true distractions to your most desired 5 accomplishments.

Should I be doing that? What if all these things I enjoy like gardening and cooking and reading are just holding me back from my true potential?

But executing on that strategy feels tiring, and I’d rather believe that I can live a happy and fulfilling life not limiting myself in that way. I certainly won’t have time to do absolutely everything that piques my interest, but I believe I’ll make the space to do the things that are most important to me without having to trick myself into doing them, which I guess is a much more touchy-feely analog to Warren buffet’s more analytical approach.

From the comments and emails from my previous post, it seems like I have some great company on this journey of finding space and desire for creativity, especially after becoming a parent, and especially in a “post-pandemic” world.

Since publishing my last post, I found these two older posts I wrote, as snapshots of where I was on this path. It’s fascinating to contrast what was top of mind for me then, and also funny that I apparently just write about the same few topics over and over from slightly different vantage points.

• The importance of self-care in parenthood: reading this one now, I was just starting to see that I was drowning and needed to prioritize myself. Writing this post was a reminder to myself to do so.

• More than a semblance of self: this more recent post was around the time I started to re-connect with my creative self.

After my last post, a reader emailed me, and I particularly loved what he wrote about also being on this journey of making space for ourselves, so I’ll leave you with it to enjoy:

“I’m glad you’re also walking the path, the scenery is just beautiful.”

If you have thoughts or comments on being on this path as well, feel free to leave a comment or email me directly!