Permission to be unproductive

thoughts on aimless wandering, time to shoot the shit, and impractical hobbies

Pre-pandemic, I attended one of Will Kabat-Zinn’s Sunday Sangha’s here in Berkeley. He introduced the idea of aimless wandering, and encouraged everyone in the room to find some time in the coming weeks to find a park or open space and to wander aimlessly in it. Half the room raised their hands to indicate that they’d definitely give it a try — and he insisted that despite our willingness, probably no one would actually do it, because as a society, we are so painfully uncomfortable with doing things that don’t really go anywhere.

Aimless wandering?! Why not take a planned hike to a beautiful vista? Or run some errands that need to get done, so you can check it off your todo list?

Relatedly, I’ve always prided myself on productivity-related traits like competence, my ability to get shit down, and my practicality, so it’s been interesting lately to tease apart something I’ve generally viewed as my strength and see some of the unexpected nuances.

productivity trap

In the past few weeks, I’ve had a few stretches of feeling really unproductive, and even when I could be accepting of that state, and let go of trying to push through and just get shit done, I heard myself saying in a 1:1, “In a way it is sort of productive, because in this state, I can truly understand how hard it is to be unproductive when working remotely, and then think of ways to help with on our team and other remote teams.” Jesus.

It’s not necessarily a bad trap to be in, if you had to choose a default. Can you imagine answering “What’s your weakness?” in a job interview? I’m too productive. It can be useful for sure, especially in this productivity-fueled capitalistic world we live in.

And in this specific instance, I do think that building in connection and casual interactions on remote teams is incredibly important, beyond quarterly virtual events and an annual offsite. But it was just shocking to me that even in my ok-with-doing-nothing unproductive state, my mind still wanted to reframe it, to highlight some way in which my being unproductive was actually…productive.

I’ve never really considered myself an over-achiever. But recently, I’ve been confronted with the way in which productivity and competence has seeped into my bones, to the point where I don’t really even know another way of being.

“You talk about productivity a lot,” my therapist noted, in that way that makes me think, maybe it’s not completely normal to map everything back to productivity.

unproductive time at work

The unspoken expectation we have for ourselves when working remotely is vastly different than in office. In an office, I wouldn’t think twice about spontaneously grabbing a coffee or going for a walk with a coworker. Or grabbing a snack in the kitchen, which turns into an extended chat.

But somehow at home, I realize that my unspoken expectation for myself (which sounds ridiculous) is that I just sit at my desk the whole day working non-stop. If I run out to grab groceries or do some prep for dinner, it feels a little sneaky.

But those breaks, those stretches of unproductive time, I’m realizing, are so important. Your mind gets a chance to drift and take a break from the work you’re doing.

At Range, our audio-only “good morning huddles” have been a much-needed space for what I am starting to call “shoot the shit” time. It’s not quite structured icebreakers at the beginning of meetings, or planned team social events. It’s the casual chats about your kids’ potty-training progress, or what new reality show you’re watching (Love is Blind 2), that you wouldn’t schedule a Zoom meeting for. These casual huddles carve out a bit of optional space to drop in, chat a bit, and connect, before we get on with our days.

unproductive pursuits at home

In my hobbies and interests, I find myself stuck in this trap all the time. When I bake something and it’s surprisingly delicious, my mind will drifts to possibilities of distributing it at scale. Even my half-marathon training checked a few boxes — physical health, self-care and me time, achieving something I haven’t done before.

A friend of mine started baking bread recently (a bit late to the pandemic party) — and marveled at how great it would be because now he always has fresh bread he can gift people, strengthening and adding value to friendships.

Conversely, I’ve found that it’s hard for me to pick up hobbies, because my brain tends to extrapolate — what’s the point? How will it be useful? Will I be any good at it? Can I turn it into a side business? 😭

I enjoy cooking, but I also sometimes question my interest — have I been conditioned to enjoy it as a woman, to believe that “I enjoy cooking” because it also is a productive hobby, something that is useful day-to-day? What would it look like to pick up a hobby or just do more things that are absolutely unproductive? No financial benefit, no practical benefit, no personal growth benefit, just a totally useless hobby that brings me joy.

Is there anything you do just purely for fun, with no expectation that it will lead to anything else?

In case you were wondering, as Will K-Z predicted, I did not in fact do my aimless wandering, but I suppose there is still time.

Things I’ve been enjoying

• Berries 🍓 - I’m not sure why, but when I see berries in the fridge, I think I should eat them slowly because they are precious. But then I end up never eating them, because other people eat them first, or even worse, they get moldy. Somehow I don’t have this problem with more mundane fruits like apples. This past week, I ate a whole bowl of raspberries and enjoyed every single one.

• Blueberries , specifically - I recently spent an evening with my kids throwing blueberries in the air and catching them in our mouths. “THIS IS SO FUN! I WANT TO DO THIS ALL THE TIME,” exclaimed Jackson, as he threw blueberries and missed his mouth every single time. May we all find the enthusiasm and joy of his 6 year-old self, able to enjoy things without any attachment to where it may lead.

• Half marathon 🏃🏻‍♀️ - I did it! I ran the Berkeley Half-Marathon today, faster than I expected to. I also had energy gummies with caffeine for the first time, and listened to upbeat music, rather than my usual Esther Perel couples counseling podcast (which, while very interesting, not as conducive to running fast).

Other things of note

Did you forget your OKRs?😂 I’m hosting a Lead Time Live panel on Wednesday 9am-10am PT, and am thrilled to be facilitating a conversation between Jennifer Dennard, Mariah Hay, and Natalie Rothfels. Also, we have the exact opposite of a manel (panel with only men), and very appropriately, that is #Goals.

Work with me at Range. I’m hiring for a senior+ backend or full-stack engineer to join our incredible team at Range. We’re fully remote and hiring in the US — if you’re curious about early stage startups (without some of the common perceived negatives of early stage startup), feel free to reply here or send me a note at jean@range.co, and I’d love to chat with you. More info in this twitter thread and more about our engineering team values here.

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I don’t take for granted the immense privilege I have to have a leisurely weekend, run a half-marathon for fun, and write this newsletter to all of you. Even with, or perhaps especially with, the horrific events happening in the world, I hope you find some moments to do nothing and find some stillness.