On the path to thriving
In this post-post-partum period, I'm starting to feel like myself again. But what does that even mean?
“I feel like myself again.”
This thought has crossed my mind a few times these last few weeks, quickly followed by the question: what does it actually mean when one says they feel like themself again? Aren’t you always yourself?
Generally, when people say this, they mean a very specific version of themselves, often a thriving, productive, happy version…even if this is not how they feel the majority of the time.
So to be more specific, here’s what that actually looked like for me these past weeks:
I’m regularly getting enough uninterrupted sleep (usually that means close to 9 hours in bed, 8 hours of sleep) - for me, this is a prerequisite
Things are sounding exciting to me! A newsletter collaboration with a friend! Running a group coaching program with another friend! Social plans (but not too many, still an introvert)!
I have the space and the desire to create — to write and to build things
I’m feeling a lot of gratitude and spaciousness, instead of irritability and grumpiness
I’m really enjoying my time with kids and thinking of fun things to do together (instead of just getting through the day)
I’m enjoying being creative with food, and can go from no dinner plan and sparse groceries to a full (albeit somewhat random) family meal on the table in 15 minutes. Perhaps food is a litmus test because we have to eat all the time, so it’s often the first place I am creative.
I cleaned off my “creative space” bedroom desk that had become a baby stuff dumping ground when it was blocked off by Baby K’s bassinet.
I’m giving away so much stuff on Buy Nothing (newborn to 6 month clothes and other baby stuff we didn’t end up using) - having my physical space also be spacious just feels right.
This is great! A big concern of mine going into this last pregnancy was how to find my way back to myself (or this elusive feeling of feeling like myself) after having a baby. It felt like it took awhile with my older kids, and I wanted to set myself up, if possible, to get there faster.
I had my first child over 11 years ago, so I’ve had over a decade to ruminate on this idea of how parents, moms especially, can find their way back to this feeling. I’ve read Fair Play and Unicorn Space. I’m part of a creative life lab/co-working space for moms (where I’m currently writing). I’ve written about my own challenges with prioritizing and making space for my needs.
I don’t have all the answers by any means, but here are some thoughts.
Get your basic needs met first
Last year, I shared a post of my hierarchy of needs for creativity. In it, I share my foundational needs before I am in a creative space. They are:
Space to not be exhausted
Space to do whatever
Space to enjoy
Space to create (finally!)
When other people, particularly moms, wrote to me, expressing gratitude for this framework that gave them permission to take a nap instead of doing something productive, I shared that my secret hope was that it would work for me too. That in the post-partum period, having a framework to refer to would be like breadcrumbs for myself, slowly but surely leading back to this feeling of myself.
As you can imagine, given how taxing pregnancy and the post-partum period is, I spent a lot of time in the first and second levels, just trying to get enough sleep, watching TV, and mindlessly scrolling on my phone.
I’m pleased to say that the framework has indeed been very helpful for me, a gentle reminder that it’s ok to rest and that creative productivity will emerge when its own time.
Don’t resist the wintering
What bothers me about the semantics of “feeling like myself” is that it feels like a rejection of non-thriving Jean.
Was I not myself when I was pregnant, doubled over the toilet every morning, horizontal in bed in the afternoon? Was I not myself when my whole body was aching, when I was absolutely done being pregnant, and impatiently waiting for labor to begin? Was I not myself when I was awake every 2-3 hours to feed Baby K?
Those were all me as well.
One silver lining of a fatiguing pregnancy is that I had to learn to love and care for that version of myself. To be ok with slowing down, with doing very little.
Some phases are for hibernating and just getting through a challenging time. And some phases are creative, expansive, and abundant. It feels like I’m coming out of a deep winter slumber to a bright world full of possibilities.
It’s so strange that all of nature abides by these cycles, but we as humans commonly expect to churn out work achievements and life output as a steady and aggressive clip. This is not as nature intended.
Set yourself up to catch the waves
So much of productivity advice in our society is about manufacturing schedules and routines to maximize output.
What if instead of over-exerting ourselves to build a wave pool, we just caught the waves already coming our way? In those low points, this requires a lot of trust that those waves will come eventually, that I’ll be motivated to do stuff again, that things will sound good, exciting even.
When I’m feeling low, I’m often confused about whether I should drag myself to do something that people say will make me feel better (exercise) or just let myself be a blob. I still often don’t know, but have found a few gentle things that almost always feel good without feeling forced — morning pages, a short walk, hydration, etc.
For some people, this idea that we can’t just maximize all the time may feel discouraging, like they have no agency over their lives. But more and more, I’ve been finding that I can get a lot done without it feeling like a lot of work, if I do it at the right time. And if it’s not the right time, I can spend a lot of time trying to do a little bit of work, without much success. Catching the waves ends up feeling like less work, even if the overall output is similar. I wrote more about flexible work being key in 2021 when it seemed like everyone was languishing.
I don’t know how long this next wave will last, but I’m excited to see what comes from it.
How about you?
If you’ve ever come out of a winter into a creative period, I’m curious what that looks like for you? Do you have go-to signs that your creativity is emerging, or that you’re on the path to thriving? Mine is definitely often food-related!
What works for me might not work for you — what have you found useful? Gentle encouragement or concrete goals? Internal expectations or external accountability?
‘if it’s not the right time, I can spend a lot of time trying to do a little bit of work, without much success’ loved this