On gentle personal growth in 2024

Reflections on things I’m learning and continue to learn this year.

Our achievement-oriented society and industry really idolizes transformation, hockey stick growth, and rapid results. It makes sense that those impulses turned inwards on ourselves looks like an intense striving for personal growth milestones, like trekking up the tallest mountain, reaching the peak, and shouting, “I’ve done it!”

After life thrust me into a period of immense growth a few years back, my take on personal growth has been much more gentle and as-needed, less like a trek up Everest and more like a gentle meandering hike with occasional obstacles. Life gives me enough challenges each day and each year, and if I can respond to those challenges with curiosity and introspection, grow in ways that reduces personal suffering, and show up for those I care about, that’s good enough for me.

Crossing a stream on a hike near Jenner earlier this year, with a two-month old!

Here are some of the areas I’ve noticed changes in myself this year.

I’m even more comfortable with uncertainty

I left my full-time job in October, and I don’t know what the next year will bring work-wise. I imagine some mix of coaching, consulting, and writing. But I could also end up somewhere full-time again. And like everyone else working in tech, I of course fantasize regularly about opening up a coffee shop / bookstore / cafe / corner shop / co-working space.

I’ve always been pretty comfortable with uncertainty, often leaving jobs with nothing concrete lined up — but I’ve almost always jumped directly into figuring out what’s next. This time around, I’m giving myself more space to just be with myself and my family, before wading back into the figuring stuff out space.

Although I’ve never really been an aggressive planner, I’ve been able to lean even more into the not knowing this time around. It’s not that I’m complacent, rather that there are so many things in life outside of our control that we often try to make in our control, often creating unnecessary hardship. I’d rather direct my efforts towards what I can control, and let the rest of life carry me downstream.

I’m grateful to have the financial space I’ve built for myself and the support around me to be able to lean even more into uncertainty.

I’m getting better at trusting myself

I’m immensely proud of giving myself this space to figure out what’s next. There are definitely days when I think to myself, maybe I should feel more stressed out not having a job in this market. But for the most part, I feel very at ease not knowing what comes next.

Many of my major life decisions have been made based on intuition. When I was pregnant last year, there were months on end when nothing sounded good. With this lack of motivation, I worried that the overlap of things I want to do and things people will pay me to do was virtually non-existent. But the wiser part of me convinced me not to make decisions from a place of depletion and scarcity, and reassured myself that things (anything!) would sound interesting again.

I have a lot of trust that if I give myself space, what I want will become more clear, and as I get clarity on that, opportunities will also emerge (and if not, the path I need to take to make those opportunities will emerge).

I’m learning to put my needs first

As an enneagram type 2 aka considerate helper, a woman, a daughter of immigrants, this is probably going to be a lifetime of work. As I desire more and more time for creative projects, juggling the logistical needs of a family of 5 with what I want gets complicated. Not just how do I find time for myself complicated, but what if what I want is time with my kids, but then what if the patriarchy has conditioned me to believe that’s what I want because it’s convenient for everyone? Do I actually want to spend my free time buying groceries and trying out a new recipe, or is that subconsciously appealing to me because dinner would also be taken care of?

In small practices and doses, I’m learning to separate out the shoulds that society has conditioned me to gravitate toward from what I actually want and need.

I’m going to the grocery store without my meal planning hat on, and leaving with just treats and lunch for myself (even if someone will have to make another trip later for all the staples!).

I’m finally doing my morning pages (inspired by The Artist’s Way) every single day on 750words, a foundational practice that I’ve found makes each day a little bit better and has so many positive ripple effects on all aspects of my life.

I’m learning when to be a blob and when to go for a walk

One phrase I remember from coach training is “What you resist, persists.” Feelings that you avoid feeling, hard topics you avoid talking about…the longer you avoid these things, the longer they stick around. When you allow yourself to explore them without judgment, they pass.

When I’m feeling low or down or depressed, I’ve struggled to figure out — do I welcome these emotions and eat carbs and become a blob on the sofa? Or do I try to do the things that I think will put me in a better mood, like getting exercise?

I don’t have an exact solution, but it feels like I’m finding a better middle ground. Sometimes that means trying not to resist these feelings and going for a gentle walk around the block. Sometimes it looks like eating a whole frozen pizza while watching the latest reality TV show by myself. Maybe I just feel more acceptance for myself and less urgency to “feel better.”

I’m learning to do less

Being funemployed over the holidays is a wonderful exercise in being less productive. I’ll notice the urge to be productive — spend some time on a collaboration with a friend, make progress towards “figuring out what’s next” — and instead, my mind goes to but why. What exactly am I going to achieve in the day or two before everything shuts down between Christmas and New Year’s that is so important? Could I…not? The answer is almost always yes.

I’m seeing that so much of what we do by default is driven by our societal conditioning that tells us to work hard, make more money, and achieve more. I’m asking myself why a lot, and trying to be more intentional in how I spend my time, which often just looks like doing less.

When time to myself was scarce, I always felt so much internal pressure to make the most of it. Now that I have more time, I have time to waste and am able to let go of trying to be really efficient and productive with my time.

I’m learning to do less at home

This one feels like a never-ending growth edge, but it’s getting easier over time. I’ve long joked that I would pay good money for a workshop for women who do a lot at work to learn how to do less at home.

Cooking, cleaning, anticipating logistical needs, ordering ahead for birthday presents, the list never ends. I just did it, and then felt resentful for the imbalance that resulted.

But I am learning! Naveed taking on a lot more during pregnancy and the postpartum phase definitely shook up the status quo, and also regular conversations on distribution of things (we recommend the Fair Play cards). Seeing that he’s willing to take on more than his fair share also lets me move away from keeping tabs on making sure everything is 50/50, and lets me lean into the things I actually enjoy doing like cooking without feeling resentful. Although I still sometimes find myself in an untenable situation and go on a half-joking half-serious multi-week laundry and dishes strike.

Doing less at home or just doing things slower has been very interesting — rather than getting things in good shape before doing the thing I want, I’ve been experimenting with flipping that around. We’ve also been doing “home care” together as a family after dinner, which has been fantastic.

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When I look back at my previous writing, I’m sometimes surprised to see almost the same sentiments expressed a decade ago. How can I still be working on “getting better at asking for what I want?” Shouldn’t I have checked that box already? But it’s also a warm familiar feeling, like seeing the same view on a favorite hiking trail. Hello old friend, “learning to put my needs first,” it’s nice to see you again.

I hope you have a gentle holiday, and see you in 2025.