Getting cozy in the hallway
Some recent thoughts about stress and transitions
This post was drafted two weeks ago, and I lost a bit of momentum in the final editing, so it may feel a little more incomplete or disjointed than usual, but I figured I’d rather publish them than have them sit in the draft graveyard. It represents some of my thoughts at the time.
The last few months have felt stressful — house-hunting, which I found very emotionally tumultuous, and then being in escrow, and then the execution mode of packing and moving. Of course, even as I write this, a part of me wants to point out the absolute privilege to be in a position to buy a house.
As those concrete stressors pass, I find myself still feeling quite anxious and tired. I notice that not only am I feeling those feelings, but on top of those feelings, I feel judgmental about myself for feeling stressed. What do you have to be stressed about? You’re done moving into this nice house.
I also notice that that stress and anxiety is then showing up in things that don’t feel “deserving” of that level of stress. We’re almost out of eggs — when will we go to the grocery store to buy more, and if we don’t, what will we have for breakfast instead? Where can we borrow a wagon to go to the beach? Oh no, the weather is too cold, should we even go to the beach?
Compared to the stress of finding, buying, and moving into a house, these thoughts seem ridiculous.
Some incomplete thoughts and some things I’ve learned and am still learning:
There is no legitimate stress
A not-insignificant part of my rumination was the confusion and judgment around whether or not I deserved to be stressed. Was my stress legitimate? Aren’t some people dealing with way more stressful things?
And even with the stress I felt was more “legitimate” related to the house, I also found myself feeling judgmental, because some people are dealing with much more dire housing situations.
This type of judgement isn’t just internal: when a friend posted on facebook that he was dealing with a housing crisis as he prepped a house to sell, someone promptly called him out, saying *ahem* that’s not a housing crisis. He immediately apologized.
I support being sensitive and thoughtful, but suffering is suffering — let’s resist the temptation to compare our own suffering to others in an effort to see if it’s worthy.
I’m trying to let go of this self-judgment and just acknowledge how I’m feeling. I’m feeling anxious? Let me just be curious about that, rather than layer on more complexity to try to unravel.
Environmental factors affect stress
Global, national, and local news is very dire these days.
Events that, a few years ago, would have led to a company meeting and an email encouraging people to take mental health days…seem to be happening every week, at least.
My therapist pointed out that that other stuff was all still there, even if, and maybe especially since, we aren’t talking about it that much. And still, in that context, I tried to attribute my stress to something very specific coming up in my personal life.
If you’re feeling anxious or tired or stressed, or your coworkers seem low-energy, a gentle reminder that there’s a lot going on in the world, and it’s a lot to hold. And especially with all that going on around us, it’s easy to fall into the trap of feeling like our own stress isn’t legitimate or worth tending to.
One of my coworkers will occasionally check-in to a meeting with “If I seem a little grumpy today, that would be correct,” which is just such an amazing way to acknowledge where she is emotionally and give others a gentle and light-hearted heads-up.
I can control some environmental factors
I often start my day with a cup of black tea. But when my mind is already spinning and I notice anxious thoughts, I cut out the caffeine for a few days. I try to make sure I get a good night’s sleep (or rather 3-4 nights, as that’s often how long it takes for me to reset). But also confusingly, if I’m feeling sluggish, a slightly caffeinated tea can sometimes be just the thing to help me get my day going.
Sleep and caffeine, for me, seem to play a very important role in how stressful things seem to me.
Exercise, meditative activities, or social time with friends are also factors I can experiment with in the months to come. With so much outside of our control, figure out what factors you can control.
Things aren’t inherently stressful
I kept trying to figure out what I’m stressed out about — and would attribute it to whatever was coming up next. Weekend plans, dinner, having to sell tickets to an event I could no longer go to.
But something can feel incredibly stressful one night, and after a good night’s sleep, feel like not a big deal.
Perhaps things aren’t inherently stressful, which is why the same person can in one moment be super zen in the face of chaos and turmoil, and in another, feel overwhelmed and anxious in the calmest of environments.
What would it look like to be a less stressed person?
When I’m feeling off, I’m often confused by whether I need to take on less or more in my life, and I think I’ve gained some insight into this thing that’s been counter-intuitive for me.
I generally feel balanced when my stress level feels appropriate to what’s going on in my work and life. My whole life, I’ve found that balance by dialing up or down what’s going on in my work and life to match what my stress level is. I’ll take on a challenge at work or push hard toward a deadline. Or pick up a new home project.
Now I’m curious to look at the other side of the equation. What if, instead of matching my activity to my default stress level, I start to experiment with changing that stress level through factors in my control?
Feeling less unease in the hallway
My therapist shared the quote with me, related to the well-known quote of “When a door closes, a window opens.”
“Hell is in the hallway.”
If door and windows are the big life transitions, accomplishments, and projects, the hallway is the space in-between. The space between transitions, the just being space. It’s a space that a lot of people are uncomfortable in, and our society is uncomfortable in — what’s next, what’s new, what are you working on now, any new projects?
“How do you want to be in the hallway?” she asked.
Rather than my default of rushing to find the next big project, challenge, or thing to match what I’m accustomed to as my standard level of stress or anxiety, what would it look like to settle into the hallway for a bit?
A friend of mine shared that she often turns inward socially because she doesn’t have a good answer to those questions, and feels shame that she doesn’t have more “life progress” to report. What would it look like if we all were a little more comfortable with settling in the hallway?
Talks and Chats
A few weeks ago, I hosted a Lead Dev panel about preparing your engineering team for organizational growth. With a lot of companies experiencing other changes like layoffs, re-orgs, etc., we covered how to prepare your engineering team for organizational change more broadly. Hope you enjoy it.
It was a pleasure to speak to Steph Mann about company values for Lead Time Chats — why they’re especially important to codify on remote teams, how to reinforce them, and what to watch out for. I was especially thrilled to ask her about the value of “Seek the truth” which has come up before in value-defining exercises, and I have absolutely no idea what it means.
If you are or know someone who would be great on Lead Time Chats, casually chatting with me about a topic related to better remote teamwork, please let me know!
Things I’ve been enjoying
This newsletter! After last newsletter “If you could have your way…” I re-connected with someone local who reached out saying he was about to switch jobs, and had used that exact exercise to determine what was next. We caught up over lunch, and it was lovely. When my partner Naveed, who is an extrovert, asks me how I make new friends, now I can point to this newsletter as well as Lead Time Chats guests. After every post, I re-connect with someone delightful and unexpected. Who needs to go to events!? Take that, extroverts!
Summer schedule - the kids are in summer camp, which starts at 9am instead of the brutal 8:15 school start. Mornings are a little more leisurely, with time to have breakfast together, and sometimes for me to write my morning pages while my 6yo does a word search. Sometimes he wakes up early and makes me tea, which is very sweet.
Gardening - Our new-to-us garden is full of surprises and edible fruits. A few varieties of blueberries were ripening as we moved in, and the last week has been daily harvests of apricots. I’ve also planted some cucumber, tomatoes, shiso leaves, chinese chives, and chard.
Have you explored your own stress patterns? I’d love to hear if any of the above thoughts sparked something, or if you have any resources that have been useful.