Coaching Toolkit: The Power of Positive Intent

One small but meaningful shift to make hard conversations a little bit easier

About the Coaching Toolkit

This is the second post in the Tech and Tea Coaching Toolkit, a growing library of reflective tools and practical scripts to help you move through work and life with more clarity, care, and intention.

If you’ve ever wished you could work with a coach but didn’t have the time, budget, or energy to commit, this is for you!

Each toolkit post includes a story or insight (free for all readers), and a deeper resource or practice (for paid subscribers).

This format lets me share the work I love in a way that feels joyful and sustainable. If that sounds good to you, I’d love to have you as a paid subscriber. 💛

In case you missed it, check out the first toolkit post: The Stories We Tell Ourselves.

---

The Power of Positive Intent

Hard conversations are… well, hard. Especially at work, where it’s easy to brace, retreat, or just hope the tension passes.

Regardless of what sort of feedback framework you use (situation behavior impact, impact sharing, etc), there’s one complementary tool that can make those conversations feel a little bit easier and completely shift how those conversations land.

Share your positive intent, a genuine shared goal or positive regard for the other person.

A Story About Sam

I worked with someone at a previous job… we can call him Sam. Sam was smart and insightful, but in meetings, he started acting out and was often rude, condescending, and disruptive in a way that made everyone visibly uncomfortable. The inappropriate behavior was often directed at me, his engineering counterpart on the team. No one called out his behavior in the moment, but it always left a bad taste, and coworkers sometimes checked in with me after meetings to see how I was doing.

At the time, I was already on my way out of the company. I didn’t owe Sam anything, and I strongly considered just leaving without having another conversation with him.

But I also had that feeling of tense nervousness inside me that told me I would be better off not leaving things unsaid, figuring out how to deliver feedback honestly, and having some closure around the experience.

So I rehearsed a few different approaches in my head, practiced them aloud in an empty conference room, and tried to find a way to deliver the feedback that would land.

I scheduled time with him and said something like:

“Honestly, I was really excited when I heard we were going to work together. I’d read your writing and really respected your insights. I still do. I wanted to have some time with you because there’s one thing that I think is really holding you back in your work, and it’s your behavior in meetings — it’s really uncomfortable. And the impact of it is that for me, and for others, it erodes trust and might become the thing that gets in the way of everything else you bring to the table.”

He was surprisingly receptive. I later heard from others that he said I gave some of the best feedback he’d ever received.

My feedback was well-received in large part because I framed it with a genuine positive intent. Despite being quite frustrated working with him, I did the work to find a place of genuine positive intent for Sam and the conversation. Despite being told that he had already been given feedback, I just didn’t think he had, at least not in a way that really landed. So I shared my positive intent — that I had deep respect for his work and really was excited to work together, and from that positive intent, I was able to segue into sharing something that was holding him back in his career.

Leading With Genuine Positive Intent

Positive intent is about finding some common ground or compassion. It could be a shared goal or value that aligns both of you, or just the truth about why you care enough to have a hard conversation. When it’s genuine, it shifts the dynamic, lowers defenses, and creates the possibility of connection instead of defensiveness.

Important note: positive intent does not mean a “shit sandwich.” You know the kind I’m talking about, like “Good job leading that meeting. <insert critical feedback> Great work, excited to have you on the team, Jean!” That typically comes off as disingenuous, with the recipient just bracing themselves for the critical feedback, rather than creating an environment where they are more receptive to hearing what you have to say.

Quick shoutout: the idea of sharing this as a post came up for me recently at Jill Wetzler’s feedback workshop in Oakland. Jill leads incredibly thoughtful feedback workshops for teams — if you’re looking to deepen your team’s feedback culture, I highly recommend her work.

Good vs. Not-Great Positive Intent

Not all “positive intent” lands as caring or positive. Sometimes, we think we’re being helpful, but what we say feels vague or prescriptive.

Not-great positive intents often feel like you’re checking a box, or are overly prescriptive in a way that breaks trust:

1. “I just want to help you do your best work.”

2. “Great job back there, can I give you some feedback?”

3. “You have so much potential.”

4. “I want to set you up for success.”

5. “I’d like to think we can be candid with each other”

I can imagine situations and relationships in which these could be genuine, but they often sound prescriptive and disingenuous.

Genuine, Grounded Positive Intent

These are rooted in something real — something you value about your relationship, your shared values, or your hope for collaboration. Here are some examples:

1. “I really respect your work and want to make sure we can keep collaborating effectively.”

2. “We don’t know each other well, but I want our working relationship to feel easier for both of us.”

3. “I really care about the two of us working well together.”

4. “I’ve always appreciated how well we collaborate together.”

5. “You’ve always been someone I look up to.”

When Positive Intent is Hard to Find

You might be wondering, what if I don’t have any genuine positive intent for this person? That’s why this tool is so important, because if you approach a feedback conversation with that mindset, it’s unlikely to go well, so getting to a genuine positive intent is important work.

In fact, coaches are trained to find a way to genuinely have compassion for our clients, even the most difficult ones.

There’s a version of this for every kind of relationship.